From the Desk of M.J. Smith
April 4, 1998
To the United States Government:
I thought I would write to update you on my situation. First, I know you will be sorry to hear, that as of yet, though I continue to play basketball with my students at recess, my salary has not been changed to reflect these duties. In fact, when the new year rolled around, my take-home pay actually decreased due to some hideous increase in the cost of health insurance. I am certain this situation will be resolved shortly, as I have limitless faith in the equitable nature of our government.
And speaking of equity, I went about 20K into debt to you guys, all part of your lofty Stafford assistance program, while getting my elementary teaching certificate. At the time, 20K seemed a reasonable amount to pay for the privilege of molding young minds. Sadly, I’m no longer certain of its reasonability, though I suppose it’s too late to question my decisions now.
In any case, I do in fact have a reason for writing (don’t I always?). And it is this:
Given that I am in essence, serving the needs of our greater society (i.e., the needs of corporate America) through my unfailing attempts to raise young citizens worthy of the lofty title “American” (not U.S. citizen, but AMERICAN because we of the United States feel that our great nation encompasses the entire land mass from Tierra del Fuego, South America, to Prudhoe Bay, Alaska), I feel compelled to share with you the fruits and rewards of my labor thus far:
* 2,673 pieces of paper detailing disturbing, heart-rending and beautiful artwork, graced with lyrical phrases like “Ms. Smith is the best teacher ever” and “I love you, Ms. Smith”;
* A brand-new pair of Doc Marten shoes, covered in the finest of vomit stains, guaranteed to never fade;
* The largest collection of confiscated toys in the world, consisting of 157 matchbox cars, 42 Barbie dolls, vampire fangs, one pocket knife, a pair of scary-looking handcuffs, a remote-control fart machine, edible panties, three condoms, and Se7en on DVD (For some reason, these items were never claimed by my students’ wayward parents);
* A pair of white pants with two bright blue handprints on them, compliments of one overzealous painter;
* A frazzled hairdo and frantic expression that never seems to fade anymore;
* A salary that pays less a year than what it cost to attend a year of college;
* A classroom that ran close to 2K ($1,867 to be exact) to prepare for the year;
* Twenty-five children masquerading as wild animals escaped from the zoo; and…
* An ulcer the size of Montana eating away at my future.
I suppose my only question is this: Is it too late to return my education and get a job at the local mall? Do they even give refunds for student loans?
Just wondering. Please advise as quickly as possible.
I have to go now. The animals are staging a mutiny.
Sincerely,
M J Smith (aka Ms. Viper)
Zookeeper Extraordinaire