From the Desk of M.J. Smith
September 6, 1997
To the United States Government:
I am a brand-new first year teacher. I won’t tell you where I teach (wouldn’t want to get sent to the principal’s office – if you thought it was a bad deal as a kid, trust me it’s worse when you’re a teacher!), though I will say that I teach a bunch of five-year old Nazis how to share and play nice.
I am certain this is absolutely the best profession any person could possibly enter. I am here to tell you that everyone should be a teacher. Except, then it would probably be very hard for me to get a job, so maybe not everyone, just those who really deserve the rewards that come with this profession.
Oh, sure, the children can be a challenge sometimes, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t a lot of fun and I learn so much from them!
Like, I had no idea that vomiting was contagious. When the first child threw up, I didn’t even panic. You would have been so proud of me. I was very sympathetic, helped the child to the door, sent them with a buddy to the nurse’s office, I even gave them a hug (very carefully) to make them feel better. That was my mistake. While walking my child to the door, I turned my back on the pool of vomit.
I understand that children are curious and I’m sure in some strange, alternate universe world, I too might have found a pool of vomit worthy of my awe and amazement. I just didn’t anticipate what happened next, though I suppose, in retrospect, it really was quite predictable. One of my little challenges leapt toward the pool the second my back was turned. He crouched down, leaned forward and whispered “coooooooool.”
I turned around to see three additional little challenges crouched down by the pool, whispering “wiiiicked coooool!” Then, one of them promptly threw up, adding quite nicely to the collection. The others made instant gagging noises and jumped back.
This time when leading a just-vomited child to the door, I issued a few dire threats along the way, and kept my eye on the challenges. Later I discovered there were some nasty-smelling crystals that were kept in my room for just such an occurrence. I promptly shook half the container over the vomit, led the rest of my children outside to recess and left the janitor the joy of cleaning the room. I suppose if I had a choice between janitor, teacher or nurse, I would still choose teacher every time. Even with the vomit, it’s the best profession on earth.
I do have a question though: does the government offer hazardous duty pay to teachers forced to inhale the toxic fumes of a child’s insides? I’m just wondering because if so, that pay should also be extended to janitors and nurses. I have it on good authority that the vomiting did not end at my classroom door. Please advise the procedure for applying for such pay. Thank you.
Sincerely,
M J Smith (aka Ms Viper)
Kindergarten Teacher Extraordinaire